An International Student of Literature in England.
Miracles do happen. If God exists then this is the proof.
Over these past weeks, I’ve been struggling with my two remaining essays and especially with the Shakespeare one — which isn’t very surprising after a whole semester of not understanding much, feeling completely lost in the seminars and hating Shakespeare more every day. The deadline is in a week and I had no idea what I would do: I could picture myself submitting 200 words max and failing miserably… I had trouble choosing an essay question because they all seemed very hard and specific (like the entire modules). I don’t know why but I was drawn to the following question: “Gaps in Shakespeare’s language demand to be filled”. The only reason why I chose it was because I excluded most of the others questions and needed one for the final seminar. I felt like this one had the potential to be really broad and therefore include a bit of everything…
And that’s when the miracle happened! After hours and hours of going through all my notes, re-reading plays or discovering plays I was supposed to read weeks ago, a plan started to take shape. I wasn’t sure about it but didn’t care, because it was still something and there was no more time to hesitate or worry. Today, I had a one to one tutorial with my seminar leader to discuss essay ideas and I was so stressed. But as soon as I handed him my essay plan for him to read he started nodding and saying “Good… good… I like it! This is really good!” and I couldn’t believe it.
Deep inside, I was so relieved. There is still so much work to do (I need to finish two essay plans and write both essays) but that is nothing compared to all the work I have done this semester. There were times when I thought I would never make it, especially with Shakespeare… I even questioned why I was even studying English Literature since that module was everything I hate (theatre + middle English + over-analysing every single word = cocktail for disaster).
I am actually quite proud of myself and this is a short article to share this moment of joy with you and to remind my future self (or whoever is reading this) to be more confident. It’s okay to find things hard — because they are — but you should never disregard all your achievements and the work you have done. It’s easy to say “I’m stupid, everybody else is good” but talk to someone for thirty seconds and you will realise that they were also having difficulties. Of course, I’m saying this now but I know I’ll be panicking a lot over the next days and that I’ll probably go back to old habits next year.
However, I also know that when I have submitted all my essays, all these worries will go away for a while and I will finally be able to rest completely and not think about work for four months. It will be paradise and I’ll be able to LIVE again and have fun (while everybody else has exams, MWAHAHA!).
I already kind of miss this semester and the awesome Contemporary Fiction seminars and lectures (a revelation!) but let’s not forget how hard this semester has been. I really didn’t expect that much but I guess I’m proud of myself and all I can say is: I hope it pays off one day. I think it’s time to go back to work, see you soon 🙂